buck up, young lass. go date.

buried in a pile of fleece blankets on my couch the other night, i realized something was missing from my life -- all by dropping the remote and having a shit time trying to get it but remaining in the same position. (by the way, does anyone have one of those snuggie things?)as my ponytail flopped over my head, the light went off.

on-line dating!

giddy up ladies and gentlemen, it's time. with an intensive password search, the click of a mouse and a few quick updates to an outdated profile, i am back on a dating site. (just exactly which one, you may never know.)

as you may have seen with The Athlete example, i am not down with the serious relationships right now. i dont want one.

but... i am a serial dating. maybe it's because i have always been curious and made a career (before i semi-retired for politics last year) out of meeting strangers, buttering them up and writing a story and the rest of the journalism bit. but i love dating.

i.love.dating. yes, i said it.
i love flirting, i love first impressions, i love awkward moments, picking up on them and making boys squirm. and serial dating may be the key to getting me off of the couch and out of hibernation.

plus, my friends get the BEST and i mean THE BEST stories from my experiences. do you have a naked picture on your phone of a naked dude you had just met a few hours earlier... for the first time?? or how about a story about the dude who within four minutes of meeting him admitted that he pees in the shower to save cash on his water bill?

so grab a drink and take your seats. you are so coming on this dating ride and no details will be spared, i promise.

this is where it may get messy

oh! i just realized something! i have zero followers. aw shucks, nobody loves me. i think i'll go home now...


in other news. this morning (this one is for the books, i actually woke up with enough time to flat iron the fuck out of my hair) i turned off the coffee pot, gave my neck and cleavage a little spritz, opened my messy jewelry box... and... GASP!!! my Tiffany earrings are not there!! my little silver ball earrings are not there! the precious gift from my mom a few years back are not there!!

oh boy... check the bathroom sink, check the end table, check pockets.. frantically check everything that can be pulled open and and slammed shut in my bedroom. nothing.

get to work. coffee pot explodes on me. get handed a million projects. sigh deeply.

all the while i am visualizing every outfit i have worn in the past week, every drawer i have opened, every place i have been.

and then it hits me like a train...

the last time i remember physically touching them was the last time i went to visit The Athlete. one had fallen out of my ear and i had decided to remove both of them.

there are two more places i can check when i get home tonight. i pray to my lucky stars that they are in my apartment.
otherwise i will be making a call i do not wish to make.

meet 'The Athlete'

i should probably tell you a little bit about The Athlete, as some of you are wondering what was so awful about this man.
well, like any new beginning in a relationship, the first month was perfect. it was fun. it was fun getting to know this person, talking every night, cute little emails at work.

well... about three months in, The Athlete started to show his true colors.
Here are some of the things about him that i couldn't tolerate:

1- always being available.the problem: at first, it was cute... always keeping tabs on me. wanting to know where i was all the time. and for a brief interlude i enjoyed it. it made me feel loved. but... one time i went to bed a little early and didnt let the athlete know. that's when i found out this person needs to know where i am at ALL times. i woke up to voice mails and texts. and believe it or not, he got mad at me for this! it snowballed after that.

2- i went on vacation and didnt call him everyday.
so i took a little trip that i had planned at the start of our relationship. of course i didnt invite him along. well, as time wore on, he whined about it. like cried about it. when i went on my trip, i got so wrapped up in my friends and activities that i didnt call. honestly, i didnt think that would be a problem. well... it was a HUGE problem and i heard about it for week when i returned.

3- he told me i shouldnt be so involved with my family.
yup, true story. i come from a family where everyone is very close. the grandparents, the aunts, the cousins, etc. so some weekends it can be a little daunting seeing everyone, etc. well... this was a problem for a man who was an only child from the smallest family i have ever known. maybe it was jealousy? i dont know, but he started making remarks about some family members and i did not appreciate that all. also, he didnt understand why i had to be with them all day on christmas. what?!! you are kidding me. in fact, it still pisses me off the more i think about it.

4- my girlfriends are homely and matronly.
yes, another true story. when you fuck with my two best friends who are beautiful inside and out and who come from wholesome families, you get at least five strikes against you. because through all of the relationships, new jobs and deaths, these two women have been there for 10 years without fail. but do not ever makes remarks against them, especially when you havent even met them! asshole!

5- i don't wear stripper gear.
i love strippers. i have met some really amazing one and understand they do what they do to make some cash. i can respect that! BUT... i dont appreciate being asked to dress like a stripper in the bedroom. i don't appreciate being asked to buy clear, plastic heels. The Athlete had a fetish for strippers that was deeply disturbing, especially when mentioned on the second date. i brushed it off. but COME ON! do not tell me about your undying love for women in the clear plastic shoes and white thigh-highs and ask me if i have a pair and can i please wear them the next time we hang out. i'm not a prude by any means, i have some stories that will make your grandmother curl up into a ball, but some things... i dont know.

6- don't keep videos where i can find them.
oh yeah... right there on the desktop was a folder called "heather." well, that is my name and also the name of an ex before me. i opened the folder because i thought maybe it had pictures in there that i had taken or that we had taken together. well... i found movie files with titles like "H_tabledance" and "H_spreadeagle" and "H_inthebath." the contents were disturbing as fuck. he actually played a video for me. no joke. and you guessed it. some of the vidoes involves the shoes.

that's the short list. i am happy that i got that off my chest!! i needed to just get it all out.

there you have it. The Athlete.

you've been kicked... like a kick ball!

so i have this thing... when i lose interest in a dude, i complicate matters by pleading ignorance and i just ignore him. yup, that's right. like a high school fueder. you may call me a heartless bitch, but i have had my share of karma, so i don't disagree with the things i do. afterall, i'm not the little college freshman i was 10 years ago (wow... i haven't yet put a year on that one. ouch), but i'm a young woman who has a full time job and is living my own life taking care of myself and doing my own thing.

but this action of course leads to:
1- anger (not mine, his)
2- questioning
3- nasty emails and texts because really, a modern day man cannot possibly pick up a phone and express his frustration, right?

i am semi-happy to report that The Athlete is out of the picture! he finally got the hint! since the flower debacle, remind me to toss them or take them home at the end of the day tomorrow, i haven't talked to him.

this has been because:
1- work has been hella busy with fundraisers and events this week
2- i havent really wanted to

maybe one day i will go into more details about The Athlete. but i have to say... i feel really great about this one. i think i got the last in a series of nasty emails just now. this one was short and to the point. It read: "I wish you luck in all you do. I'm sure you'll be fine once you decide your life direction."

no more criticism, no more phone leash, no more judgement no more talk of "serious relationship," no more metrosexual! no more! no more!

phew! who wants to do a shot?